What’s The ‘Dill’: Kelsey Jade and The Naked Truth

Saturday, June 17, 2017

“What’s The ‘Dill’ With?: Lack of Class in Toronto’s Adult Entertainment”

My very first request comes from a Reader who had a rather unpleasant experience at an Upscale Gentlemen’s club. He came to me with his story about 8 months ago and was visibly disturbed by his experience. While visiting family in the culturally diverse city of Toronto, I payed a visit to the venue in search of the truth.

It was not but a memory ago, a visit to a Gentlemen’s club meant a Lady, proficient in the art of exotic dance, would enchant you with her delicate touch, treating their client(s) to an experience of unique pleasure. But as Mr. Dylan so eloquently put it… “The Times They Are A Changin’

I was in an Gentlemen’s club in the Toronto area, sitting at a table by myself, when I felt something lurking behind me. Like a rabid vulture waiting for the end trails of a desert beast, Ms Jade taps me on my shoulder and then proceeds to adorn my lap with a moist handkerchief. After a slight pause, she very awkwardly, sits on my lap. I was taken aback by the lack of satisfaction and the level of dislike this was causing me. Her aura was daunting, it’s weight causing me to feel burdened. This being bad enough, as i was already concerned about the unsanitary dishrag saturating into my Eddie Bauer Khakis, I am blinded by a waft of pungent musk emitting from the percolating of her pores, which I concluded to be a mix of coconut oil; a ROTTING duck fetus, and mint chewing gum. (Of which she refused me a piece.)

It’s no secret that what was once exciting, is now turning into an unsettling world of deception and degradation. The false advertising of the models themselves on their website, proof of their treachery. Just when you think it can’t get much worse, you get hit with a cigarette burn of a sting; the carcinogenic Exotic Dancer, Ms. Kelsey Jade. At first it is quite easy to be captivated by her beauty, but as your eyes settle, it is quickly realised that her face was used as a baking dish, revealing her beauty to be just a mirage made of various cosmetics.. with her rain gutter character and rodent like wit, it is not long before I begin to question whether ‘She’ was even Human.

I agreed to pay her for a dance so as to bring about an end to this unpleasant reality. The price was $20 CAD. At this point I started feeling a slight sensation of enjoyment, the skin of her full breasts massaging my jawline, was masking the in-pleasantries of minutes past. when seemingly out of no where, I am overwhelmed by an additional dose of a vile, sour scented brew. A Putrid substance emitting such a stench cannot belong to a lady’s perfume. The odour’s aggravation of my nose, caused me to dry sneeze, wildly! early into the 2nd song….It is understandable that the wild sneeze, though dry, would be startling. She froze as if someone turned the music off and just glared into my eyes with contempt. After what felt like forever and a day, she retaliated: an explosive sneeze of her own…the shrapnel of her discharge thoroughly peppering my left ear. At this point, we both knew that this whole ordeal needed to be over and forgotten about. She got off my lap as quickly as I began to stand up.

I gave her the agreed upon $20 CAD, and in return, was thanked with a scowl, not to mention an extremely unprofessional kiss of her teeth. An employee sneezing and then scowling, kissing her teeth at a customer?! That sort of childish behaviour in an Gentleman’s club was incomprehensible to me. Furthermore, She was now saying I owed her $60 CAD…I was speechless. I took the high road and offered her another $20, since we were close to midway through the second song at the time of her mucus assault. Ms Jade, who advertisers herself online, insisted that the phlegm peppering took place during the 3rd song. At this point I was fed up. The Bouncer assigned to overlook her safety was now pacing closer with a stern look of his own. I was not leaving there without paying her. It’s not the bouncer’s fault, his job is to protect her, and it was her word against mine. I had seen enough and just wanted to get out of there. I could focus only on washing off her spit and sweat that I was now cloaked in. I felt violated that I was swindled in a professional place of business and could do nothing about it. I now felt what the Reader, that requested I expose this sort of a victimisation, endured. And she wouldn’t even give me a FU&KI%N’ piece of Gum. I was Disenchanted.

A Cold Chill bleeds down my spine as I can barely fathom the misfortune that befell those who ran into this Woman before me. How many victims does she have?

This post is in relation to her performance as an exotic dancer, based on hygiene, attitude, integrity, and customer service. I don't know Kelsey Battams,  which after some research, I believe to be her actual name. I only had the misery of meeting a Kelsey Jade, and I will, at all costs, avoid running into one of "Her" again.

Hopefully, at the end of her shift, through the fumes of the wreckage, she emerges a kinder human being. I sincerely wish you well Kelsey Battams….may you repent for the horror you inflict on your clients as Ms Jade. A taxi cab with excrement and vomit stains is unsanitary and disgusting, thus unacceptable as a mode of transportation. Equal to you being an unacceptable form of Adult entertainment. Keep that in mind next time you make the unmerciful decision to Entertain an Adult. I firmly assert you leave that to the Pro’s. The True Professionals, The Women who comfort their clients with their graceful embrace, allowing their client to be complimented by their surroundings. The only thing Exotic about you, was your Odour, and slurred speech.

Now You Know ‘The Dill’.

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